Thoughts On (fuck you) Lemon Curd

Recipes come with a set of expectations, make that one expectation, that if you follow said steps you will end up with a tasty treat. And it is this one little expectation that can lead to deep self loathing in amature cooks such as myself.

Fuck You lemon curd.

Right now you are sitting on my stove, where, instead of being a delicious "pudding" consistency, you are a less than delicious snot consistency. This has occurred for one of three reasons:

1) The recipes sucks (unlikely)
2) The ingredients suck (more unlikely)
3) I suck. (Really really possible)

This is the problem with recipe cooking, it demands results. It is high pressure. When your "tasty treat" turns out to be "snot" you have no one to blame but yourself.

Thoughts On Smoking

According to wikipedia, "native cultures" began smoking tobacco in 300 BC. I imagine the following conversation ensuing:

"Look a new plant!"
"E-gads! Let's dry it, light it on fire and then stick in in our mouths."
"Great idea! The village will be thrilled!"

I'm not sure about the "E-gads," but the rest is historically spot on.

Thoughts On Secret Santas

Secret santas work like this: You take $10-20 and trade it for something that you not only hate, but that is also completely useless. I have provided the following examples:

$15 --> A box of bath salts and a weird scented soap in the shape of some marine animal
$10 --> An oversized candle that smells so strongly that, not only can you never light it, you probably can never bring in in your home.
$13 --> A small hardback book entitled 'Things That Bring Joy'
$17 --> A tear off calendar. Favorites include puppies, famous people, and inspirational quotes.

For those of you who are currently sorting through such gifts, this advice may seem untimely; however, it gives you a full year to complete a list of unacceptable secret santa gifts- more politely phrased as 'things i do not currently need.' This list should be posted in public places so that any potential secret santa will have full disclosure before disaster shopping begins.

I have started the following list as an example:
- calendars
- self improvement kits (yoga decks, fung shui guides etc)
- any beauty product (lets assume we are responsible enough to take care of our own hygiene)
- popcorn tins
- cooking sets (no one makes fondue or sushi at home. If they do, they won't use a $10 B&N set)
- stuffed animals of any kind
- things that you could hang from a rear view mirror
- anything holiday related (mugs, socks, those headbands with springy santa heads)

This is just a start. Hopefully by the end of the year you will have at least 10-15 pages, leaving your secret santa no choice but to give you cash.



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